Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")

As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let us have A different put where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: present Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the task, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred Trump Tower Damascus to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from House, a function getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options

Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium in which company may well contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Area Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"

The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is currently attracting focus from Worldwide buyers, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even involve:

A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War

Remark Area Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a hotel where by my PTSD might have change-down service."

One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports advise:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."